I don't mind the explaining over and over again what that funky light on my desk is: it's my happy light!
I think the light therapy has been helping in big ways. It's doesn't make me perfectly sane (that would take a miracle which is clearly God's department) but it is making a big difference in my well-being.
The dawn simulator alarm clock is helping as well. The snooze is a little to easy to use; I simply rap a knuckle on the base of the round clock and the sounds abate for 10 minutes. The light still stays on though. The bird sounds have proved to be too much like the water fountain for my cat's water dish. So I use the farm noises and the yoga sounds. Both are great.
Although it's a little weird to hear a cow mooing in the morning. Even when I lived out in the country in Iowa I wasn't near enough to farms to hear that.
So as long as I keep on myself about my vitamins and meds and eating regularly, (which can be surprisingly hard when you're single and overworked), my physical side seems to be good.
Still working on getting healthier. It's a never-ending cycle and will always be a struggle to the day I die, which is exactly how my spiritual life goes as well. It's all the little choices I make throughout the day that make or break me.
So I'm learning to love myself more. Learning to find balance. Striving to beat my body into submission and not be controlled by the whims and desires of my cravings.
All I can do is "just keep swimming".
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Get Your Shine On!
No, not the Jesse McCartney song. Though it is a nice dance number. :)
Since seasonal affective disorder has been plaguing me much of my life I've finally decided to stop talking about getting a light box and get one.
Done my research and found a model I like that is in the middle ground on afford-ability and is portable. I will be able to have it on my desk at work.
The light box I'm ordering later this month is: Verilux HappyLite Deluxe Sunshine Simulator. Long name but I like the look, the specs and it's well reviewed online.
Then I also stumbled upon alarm clocks that are dawn stimulator. So I'm going to invest in one of those as well. I think I want to try the new Phillips model that came out Nov 9. It's Philips Hf3485 Wake-up Light Plus.
So going to give those products a go. Plus have started taking some vitamin supplements and changing how I eat. There's a lot of evidence to support the idea that vitamins help and proper nutrition is super mood changing. Here's a couple links: Vitamins, Diet and Depression, Depression Diet guide from WebMD.
Though the vitamin supplements are still a little controversial I think they are helping me. Placebo effect if nothing else. :)
Since seasonal affective disorder has been plaguing me much of my life I've finally decided to stop talking about getting a light box and get one.
Done my research and found a model I like that is in the middle ground on afford-ability and is portable. I will be able to have it on my desk at work.
The light box I'm ordering later this month is: Verilux HappyLite Deluxe Sunshine Simulator. Long name but I like the look, the specs and it's well reviewed online.
Then I also stumbled upon alarm clocks that are dawn stimulator. So I'm going to invest in one of those as well. I think I want to try the new Phillips model that came out Nov 9. It's Philips Hf3485 Wake-up Light Plus.
So going to give those products a go. Plus have started taking some vitamin supplements and changing how I eat. There's a lot of evidence to support the idea that vitamins help and proper nutrition is super mood changing. Here's a couple links: Vitamins, Diet and Depression, Depression Diet guide from WebMD.
Though the vitamin supplements are still a little controversial I think they are helping me. Placebo effect if nothing else. :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Google Chrome
Well, I hate to admit it but I really do like Google Chrome. I think Google's motto of "Don't Be Evil" masks the fact that the company wants to control the world...and for me it's reminiscent of Microsoft from decades ago. (I'm cool enough for a Mac but I'm a girl on a budget for now.) Of course I think Apple wants to tightly control the world. Come to think of it, I'm wary of most big conglomerations. I think they're all bent on ruling the world.
But my email works better on the net book with Chrome. (IE has issues and I haven't yet downloaded Firefox, which I love on my laptop) The easy way it keeps my history is cool. And I have a neat theme...always a bonus. Hey-I make no apologies; I'm shallow geek. I like stuff that looks good. The tabs are easy to create, the basic layout is very user friendly and I like the shortcuts I've found.
Hmp. I still think Google is evil though.
:)
But my email works better on the net book with Chrome. (IE has issues and I haven't yet downloaded Firefox, which I love on my laptop) The easy way it keeps my history is cool. And I have a neat theme...always a bonus. Hey-I make no apologies; I'm shallow geek. I like stuff that looks good. The tabs are easy to create, the basic layout is very user friendly and I like the shortcuts I've found.
Hmp. I still think Google is evil though.
:)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Cat Update
So, we're instituting some new rules based on some advice I got from some friends. No more cats in my bedroom at night. I need my sleep to function and if I have to use ear plugs to get over their whining at first, so be it.
Feeding time is a set time or times I guess. Then the food goes up so no one will try to eat anyone else's food. And I need to find a way to trim Cleo down. She's got arthritis (well she is like 12) and I think she would be better off trimmer. She doesn't do much anyway so she really doesn't need to eat a whole lot.
And I'm getting a water bottle. When the fight or hiss at each other, they're getting hit with a spray of water. I've actually seen them legitimatly fight today. Not cool. I will not let my life be run by a couple of narcissistic, drama queen cats. I'm the only one that gets to be a narcissistic drama queen in my apartment. :)
Feeding time is a set time or times I guess. Then the food goes up so no one will try to eat anyone else's food. And I need to find a way to trim Cleo down. She's got arthritis (well she is like 12) and I think she would be better off trimmer. She doesn't do much anyway so she really doesn't need to eat a whole lot.
And I'm getting a water bottle. When the fight or hiss at each other, they're getting hit with a spray of water. I've actually seen them legitimatly fight today. Not cool. I will not let my life be run by a couple of narcissistic, drama queen cats. I'm the only one that gets to be a narcissistic drama queen in my apartment. :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Cats...no not the musical
So I have two cats now. I used to have one but then I moved in with a girl from church who needed a roommate and I was looking to move to a new place when my lease was up, so it worked out.
Except for the part about her being allergic to cats.
So my ever loving bro and his wife took my cat. They already had a cat so we hoped they would get along. It was temporary til I got a new place of my own and would take my cat back. They did not get along well at first but eventually came to a mutual avoidance. My bro and his wife got a dog, who likes to terroize the cats not long after.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. At 2 yrs old, I finally am okay with the dog, but he still terroizes the cats. Plus my sister-in-law is expecting, so no more caring for the cats. (Pregnant women are to avoid contact with cat feces due to fecal bacteria and such). My bro was looking to pass back my temporarily placed cat.
So I moved out to a new place. It was hard leaving my roomie. We get along well (two weeks and I miss her), and have many shared interests. She's influenced me in ways: like I'm actually paying attention to the US Men's open with Nadal and what's his name and I've become bolder in sharing my faith with strangers. I've influenced her: she likes Phineas and Ferb on the Disney Channel and has a white board by her door to write down people to prayer about.
I do enjoy my new place. I was only there a few days before I trekked to my bro's to get the cats. Oh, yeah, since I was taking back my cat, could I take the other cat as well? I thought, "sure! I owe my bro and sister-in-law."
I didn't think it'd be too big a problem.
Wow, was I wrong.
They don't get along but manage to ignore each other most of the time. My cat hisses unexpectedly at the other cat despite being around her for nearly three years. My cat also seems to eat both cats food. Which led to some vomiting this morning.
Honestly, I'm torn. There are moments when I love having them. When my cat will sit on my lap and demand attention, when my bro's cat sleeps by me on top of the covers when I'm in bed. When I see either contently sitting at the bay window overlooking the lake or see my cat curled up on her small chaise (yes it is a pet sized chaise, I found it on sale and knew my cat would like it)
But then there's the lack of sleep for me. They're nocturnal after all, and it's not a big apartment. One likes to eat at night, one roams around and loos for the other''s food to steal. One likes to meow and wake me up at 3am like everyday.
I'm committed to these cats I guess. or maybe I should be committed....hmm.
Except for the part about her being allergic to cats.
So my ever loving bro and his wife took my cat. They already had a cat so we hoped they would get along. It was temporary til I got a new place of my own and would take my cat back. They did not get along well at first but eventually came to a mutual avoidance. My bro and his wife got a dog, who likes to terroize the cats not long after.
Fast forward 2 1/2 years. At 2 yrs old, I finally am okay with the dog, but he still terroizes the cats. Plus my sister-in-law is expecting, so no more caring for the cats. (Pregnant women are to avoid contact with cat feces due to fecal bacteria and such). My bro was looking to pass back my temporarily placed cat.
So I moved out to a new place. It was hard leaving my roomie. We get along well (two weeks and I miss her), and have many shared interests. She's influenced me in ways: like I'm actually paying attention to the US Men's open with Nadal and what's his name and I've become bolder in sharing my faith with strangers. I've influenced her: she likes Phineas and Ferb on the Disney Channel and has a white board by her door to write down people to prayer about.
I do enjoy my new place. I was only there a few days before I trekked to my bro's to get the cats. Oh, yeah, since I was taking back my cat, could I take the other cat as well? I thought, "sure! I owe my bro and sister-in-law."
I didn't think it'd be too big a problem.
Wow, was I wrong.
They don't get along but manage to ignore each other most of the time. My cat hisses unexpectedly at the other cat despite being around her for nearly three years. My cat also seems to eat both cats food. Which led to some vomiting this morning.
Honestly, I'm torn. There are moments when I love having them. When my cat will sit on my lap and demand attention, when my bro's cat sleeps by me on top of the covers when I'm in bed. When I see either contently sitting at the bay window overlooking the lake or see my cat curled up on her small chaise (yes it is a pet sized chaise, I found it on sale and knew my cat would like it)
But then there's the lack of sleep for me. They're nocturnal after all, and it's not a big apartment. One likes to eat at night, one roams around and loos for the other''s food to steal. One likes to meow and wake me up at 3am like everyday.
I'm committed to these cats I guess. or maybe I should be committed....hmm.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
I love my CrackBerry...I mean BlackBerry
I think I am addicted to my Blackberry.
I love having Facebook at my finger tips; checking the latest news at the NY Times is easy with their app. Local news apps abound.
I'm not much into games. Literally I have one game-solitare.
But I can check my email almost anytime, anyplace. (Except at work. I get really poor reception in the lab. Which is probably a good thing.)
Now I have developed the "phantom vibrating" sensation. I think the phone is vibrating when, in point of fact, it is not doing anything.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Computer still down
My computer is still toast. There has been a lot of craziness in life the last couple of months. Not a lot of time to think, let alone blog. Hope my brother can fix my computer....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Pain
There is a great song by Greg Long called 'In the Waiting'. It's a song that has been really helpful for me in the past when I was going through hard stuff. Check out this link to hear it.
Here are the lyrics.
Pain
The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away
Pray
I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me
It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move
I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting
Time
Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see
Free
Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been, but then
Again
The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own
It's a beautiful song and it encourages me so much. I remember that I'm not alone. Even in the silence God is with me and I am His.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Do People See Jesus In Me?
Today was a really cool day. A friend and I trekked to the main branch of our city's library, just to hang out and read. It is a really neat building; there is a very large new building built right next to, and attached, the original library. The juxtaposition of the now main, and modern portion of the library nestled behind the classic architecture, which now houses the fiction sections, is very beautiful and poetic.
And people talked to me today. Complete strangers. All I had to do was make eye contact and smile. It was amazing how that little double action brings such big results.
Someone asked me to watch his stuff at the adjacent computer station while he was up. Another gentleman, walking through the library with a couple women complimented me on my hair. One of the library employees stopped to chat for a moment; warning me of the impending snow, sharing the fact that she was from Panama originally and they didn't get weather like this. 75 degrees all year round. I told her I was from further north so I'm used to worse than this. Then she said I looked like the prettiest girl. I was so touched.
But I don't think the compliments were really meant for me. Why did I look these people in the eye and smile? Because I want to love them like Jesus does. I want to see what He sees when he looks at people. And I think these people saw me catch their eye and saw me smile and saw Jesus in me. I don't know how to explain it. They saw the inner joy I have that I can't keep to myself.
It's the kind of joy that makes me smile. The kind of joy that slows down to let someone enter the highway from an entrance ramp. The kind of joy that wants to overlook the outside cover of a person and dig into the pages of their book.
I said it already but it's amazing when you look a total stranger in the eye and genuinely smile. Not a polite, required by etiquette or social norms and customs sort of smile. A genuine smile that recognizes the divine in that stranger, that sees the reflection of our Creator in a person worthy of love and attention and my time.
My time is not my own anyway--it's God's. How better do I use it than in His service to simply love His people?
And people talked to me today. Complete strangers. All I had to do was make eye contact and smile. It was amazing how that little double action brings such big results.
Someone asked me to watch his stuff at the adjacent computer station while he was up. Another gentleman, walking through the library with a couple women complimented me on my hair. One of the library employees stopped to chat for a moment; warning me of the impending snow, sharing the fact that she was from Panama originally and they didn't get weather like this. 75 degrees all year round. I told her I was from further north so I'm used to worse than this. Then she said I looked like the prettiest girl. I was so touched.
But I don't think the compliments were really meant for me. Why did I look these people in the eye and smile? Because I want to love them like Jesus does. I want to see what He sees when he looks at people. And I think these people saw me catch their eye and saw me smile and saw Jesus in me. I don't know how to explain it. They saw the inner joy I have that I can't keep to myself.
It's the kind of joy that makes me smile. The kind of joy that slows down to let someone enter the highway from an entrance ramp. The kind of joy that wants to overlook the outside cover of a person and dig into the pages of their book.
I said it already but it's amazing when you look a total stranger in the eye and genuinely smile. Not a polite, required by etiquette or social norms and customs sort of smile. A genuine smile that recognizes the divine in that stranger, that sees the reflection of our Creator in a person worthy of love and attention and my time.
My time is not my own anyway--it's God's. How better do I use it than in His service to simply love His people?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Lord of the Dance (Not the Irish guy though...)
Revisiting my old WOW CDs...this is a classic Steven Curtis Chapman song for me and I was singing it at work today. Truly engergizing!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Dents in My Fender
Sorry to butcher the English language, Mom, but today kinda sucked. Several things went well this morning. But then a bunch of stuff just blew up in my face, metaphorically speaking. (At my job, there are things that could blow up.)
So yesterday there were several crying fits for no reason. "Be careful what you wish for." Today I had a reason for the breakdown into tears. Not that it was really work that was getting to me. Yes, the frustration of work was not helping and I did get a little violent with a disposable glove box that was packed so tight I couldn't get gloves out and when I pulled really hard they flung up and out and spread over the floor, and chair and desk in a seven foot radius....
Really though it was because I got off to a bad start. I missed the whole of my devotions this morning. I got rattled when there was a truck on the highway for about 6 miles with no lights on. I prayed he'd get them on and as I exited I finally saw them appear. How do you let someone behind you know they've got no lights? I came into work and really started on the wrong foot on my instrument maintence to get done for the day.
So little misstep build on little misstep to the point that the only keeping me at work was my tunes.
I had a plan to survive the evening, make sure I made it to my Bible study and stayed on track. I called a girlfriend to have dinner with me. The only thing I didn't do well with is where we went, but I was hurting and wanted comfort food.
Then I made myself get to BSF. I raised my hand a bunch and volunteered on challenge questions. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do but I made myself get into the discussion and laugh and joke and share. (I love my discussion group. I loved last year's group. I think I'll love every group.)
Then I sat with one of my group members and my leader, in the middle of them so I couldn't bolt before the lecture was done. I did my best to take good notes and pay attention.
Lastly I called my mom and talked to her while I was sitting in the church parking lot. Updated her on my progress and news, heard about her political adventures from the weekend, talked psychology (I definitely get my tendency to self-analyze from her), talked about my brother and my roommate. Finally she kicked me off the phone when she realized I wasn't home and needed to got to bed soon. (Some of us get up pretty darn early in the morning.)
I feel a bit like this amazing song by Francesca Battistelli called "Free to be me"
God is good even when I don't feel good. Today was good even when I didn't see it.At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dreamCopyright by Francesca Battistelli
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though i can`t always see
`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you`re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek
And it`s easy to believe
Even though
`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
Friday, January 22, 2010
My PSA
I've had such an amazing few days off. I've seen friends that I haven't seen for months, and some I just saw last week. I got things done: emotionally, mentally, chores wise.
I needed a swift kick in the butt this week. Thankfully I had some friends and family to provide it. I've even got a girlfriend who's been calling me daily to check up with me. I'm really blessed to have so many people to turn to for help.
That said, I have to wonder how many people out there suffer with serotonin deficiency, depression, S.A.D.D or dysthymia and don't get help. Whether they feel they don't need help or don't want help or maybe they think they have no one to go to.
That's never true. There's ALWAYS help to found. There's always someone who cares, someone who'll listen. Yes, there is God. I would recommend talking to Him. But you know what; God's made sure there are people here to help too.
So I encourage anyone who might stumble across this post; if you have more than just the passing blues, if the winter months are especially difficult for you to get through mood wise and you lack motivation when the weather is so gloomy the first of year--consider talking to your doctor or a counselor or at the very least a friend or loved one.
When I finally got the right perspective going last week I saw it wasn't the end of the world. After I asked for help, I realized I could make it, with God's help and the support of my family and friends. So I'm ready to start the week.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
New Mantra
Not really my own writing. But something I got from my mom. A reminder of who I really am, so that in those moments, hours, days, whatever, when I'm "feeling" less than my best or I'm beating myself up over a percieved failure I can read this and remember I'm not that bad.
My Father in heaven loves me and has a purpose for my life.
My earthly parents love me and want me to be happy, healthy and productive.
I am a good person; I can be a better person with God's help.
I am able to reach out to my family, friends, and church family.
I am not alone in the universe.
I am an intelligent person who can solve complex problems in my job; therefore, I am capable of understanding that, while my emotions may be in turmoil, I am the same person I was when things seemed to be going better.
With God's help, the support of my family and friends, I can get through this crisis.
I set standards and expectations for myself that are often too high and unreasonable. I am without a doubt my worst critic and harshest enemy (after Satan). I doubt myself and my contributions, even when I am at my best.
And I will learn to love myself as God, family and friends love me. Because whatever I am feeling or thinking or doing--I am lovely and lovable.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Bigger Problems
I may not be okay but seriously there are far, far bigger problems in the world. From the devastating earthquake in Haiti, to the tight Connecticut race for Kennedy's old Senate seat, to Health Care reform, to Paula Abdula not being a judge on American Idol this season... Okay maybe the last one isn't that earth-shattering. I might get lynched by a couple friends who watch it but I'll take my chances.
Part of me is kicking myself for being so selfish and self centered lately. Who cares if I'm depressed? Or I don't feel like myself?
There are families with loved ones serving in the military in dangerous places around the world. There are kids and families on the streets, around the world and in the U.S. that don't know when they're next meal will be or how they will survive another cold winter night without shelter. There are children who have no father or mother; they both died from AIDS, or cancer, or a drunk driver hit their car.
How dare I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I have food to eat, parents to call and tell them I love them, a roof over my head, and a hand-me down computer to write this on. I have bought into the lie that says I deserve this. I have apparently taken to heart the American myth that all that I have is owed to me simple by my birthright.
It's NOT true. Just because I was born in America doesn't mean I'm better than anyone. It doesn't mean I deserve anything. In point of fact I am not owed anything by anyone.
I am blessed. I am not deserving of what I have to begin with so how can I ask for more? By the nature of that blessing I possess I am under obligation to bless others. How can I do otherwise? To hoard and acquire and stockpile the goodness God has graced me with would be deplorable.
In the book of Matthew Jesus talks about us all standing before Him to be judged. He says this:
Part of me is kicking myself for being so selfish and self centered lately. Who cares if I'm depressed? Or I don't feel like myself?
There are families with loved ones serving in the military in dangerous places around the world. There are kids and families on the streets, around the world and in the U.S. that don't know when they're next meal will be or how they will survive another cold winter night without shelter. There are children who have no father or mother; they both died from AIDS, or cancer, or a drunk driver hit their car.
How dare I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I have food to eat, parents to call and tell them I love them, a roof over my head, and a hand-me down computer to write this on. I have bought into the lie that says I deserve this. I have apparently taken to heart the American myth that all that I have is owed to me simple by my birthright.
It's NOT true. Just because I was born in America doesn't mean I'm better than anyone. It doesn't mean I deserve anything. In point of fact I am not owed anything by anyone.
I am blessed. I am not deserving of what I have to begin with so how can I ask for more? By the nature of that blessing I possess I am under obligation to bless others. How can I do otherwise? To hoard and acquire and stockpile the goodness God has graced me with would be deplorable.
In the book of Matthew Jesus talks about us all standing before Him to be judged. He says this:
I want to start looking outside me and help someone who's hurting and needs help.Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life." Matthew 25:34-46
Monday, January 11, 2010
Okay?
"Hey, how are you?"
"Hi, what's up?"
"How you doing?"
"How's it going"
There are so many variations on this question. In today's society people are trained to ask this question. The response is also trained.
"Okay."
Really? I mean, really? We have been trained to not really care about the question or answer for most people we ask or answer. It's a banal, cliche salutation exchange that's been ingrained into our heads.
I try to fight it as much as I can. I try to come up with different ways to say good. But I don't want to mislead people if I'm having a crappy day. Sometimes I admit I don't know. Sometimes I'm cryptic because it's none of their business what's really going on with me.
Honestly, though, I answer 'okay' a lot. It's an automatic response. But it's not always true.
Recently I read a great book called, cold tangerines by Shauna Niequist. In it she writes wonderful insights about life, seeing the extraordinary in things that happen every day, to all of us. One of my favorite passages is in the chapter called "good causes".
Being with Julia and Doug today made me think about the idea that everything is okay. That idea is nothing but cruel in its untruth. Okayness is a thin scab that rips off every once in a while and exposes a river of blood and infection, an inroad to the whole body. We live in reasonable peace, accomplishing things and doing what we're told and expecting taht if we behave, we will be rewarded; that for living quietly and industriously, for donating to Easter Seals and letting people merge in front of us on the highway, we will be given good things, good lives. And then something happens to us; we get that phone call of that feeling or that doctor's report, and everything changes.
The sky might as well be red, the solid ground replaced with seawater, because it is a different world. It's like a chemical change, charges reversing from positive to negative. And in the midst of this change, you look around and realize that everyone else seems to be doing fine, that you must be the only one who notices this change.
We preserve the myth even though we no longer believe it. We insist that everything is okay. But we're kidding ourselves. Can you look into the eyes of the people around you and really believe that everything is okay? We want to believe that things roll off our backs, that we are tough and world-wise, and that we're all holding it together pretty well. But you which door you lock behind you when you're crying so hard you can't see. You know what word or image rips off that scab. Everything is not okay.
In all my scramblings to do the right thing and be the right person, I miss some of the most important things I think God might be asking me to do.
I'm certainly not okay. I'm not even trying to listen to God half the time these days. I'm starting to shut down in some ways. And I'm not sure I care enough to reverse it. Maybe the spiral down will fuel more writing. I'm sure eventually I'll care again.
Weirdness
There are a myriad of reasons I'm weird; this is just one.
I don't think I'm a fake, but I am a pretty good actress. I'm not sure people realize that about me. I'm a genuine article and truthfulness and honesty are important to me. But sometimes it takes me a while to realize when I've been acting. Or maybe I'm just flighty. It doesn't seem to take much to bring me up or down.
A good example is last week. I did not want to go to BSF. I hadn't finished my lesson, I was in a funk and I really didn't want to be around people. (Yes I had a friend over but we can be in the same room and not really interact between our computers and the TV all being on)
I went to BSF anyway because I'm refusing to let emotions rule me and/or my behavior. My mind is in charge, not my heart. Emotions lie and manipulate and confuse. So I went to BSF and was running a little late; I missed the opening hymns and announcements. I got to our discussion room and immediately realized there were twice as many chairs as there should be.
Of all nights for there to be more people it was both horrible and perfect.
Horrible that more people for me to be embarrassed in front of. More people for me to be exposed to germs up close and personal. More people for me to be uncomfortable around. More people to witness me in a time of insecurity.
Perfect that there were more people to talk, so my failure wouldn't hinder the discussion as much. Perfect that there were more people and I could blend into the crowd. Perfect that there were more people who didn't know me so not talking wouldn't seem too weird.
I think my leader Angela suspected I had nothing. The first time she called on me I couldn't even say anything. I just shook my head vigorously and she moved on. Then she called on me later to read a verse, which is a classic technique to get participation from someone. Especially in BSF when someone hasn't finished their lesson.
I managed to make it through and sat in the sanctuary all the way on the far right, as far from people as I could.
But then a lady came in after we'd started singing and sat in the middle of my row, three chairs away. So I saddled up beside her and shared the hymnal I was holding. So much for avoiding people.
Then the lecture began and I managed to stay on track and focus until I started crying for no reason. Well, that's not entirely true. Something Barb said hit me but it shouldn't have hit so hard.
But when I came home to my roommate and friend who was still hanging out there, I was fine. There was no indication in me that anything was amiss. We stayed up for hours watching movies and surfing the internet and it's like I was pretending to fine. But I didn't realize that until I went to sleep.
This happens to me or I make it happen a lot it seems. Even the times when I perk up around my friends only to cry myself home in the car. Of I wake up horrible and smile all day work. I'm not being disingenuous; it's that I don't know who I am most of the time.
So my conclusion is I'm totally weird. That and I have very little idea what's going on in my own head.
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