Dents in My Fender

Sorry to butcher the English language, Mom, but today kinda sucked.  Several things went well this morning.  But then a bunch of stuff just blew up in my face, metaphorically speaking.  (At my job, there are things that could blow up.)

So yesterday there were several crying fits for no reason.  "Be careful what you wish for."  Today I had a reason for the breakdown into tears.  Not that it was really work that was getting to me.  Yes, the frustration of work was not helping and I did get a little violent with a disposable glove box that was packed so tight I couldn't get gloves out and when I pulled really hard they flung up and out and spread over the floor, and chair and desk in a seven foot radius....

Really though it was because I got off to a bad start. I missed the whole of my devotions this morning.  I got rattled when there was a truck on the highway for about 6 miles with no lights on.  I prayed he'd get them on and as I exited I finally saw them appear.  How do you let someone behind you know they've got no lights?  I came into work and really started on the wrong foot on my instrument maintence to get done for the day. 

So little misstep build on little misstep to the point that the only keeping me at work was my tunes.

I had a plan to survive the evening, make sure I made it to my Bible study and stayed on track.  I called a girlfriend to have dinner with me.  The only thing I didn't do well with is where we went, but I was hurting and wanted comfort food. 

Then I made myself get to BSF.  I raised my hand a bunch and volunteered on challenge questions.  Talking was the last thing I wanted to do but I made myself get into the discussion and laugh and joke and share.  (I love my discussion group.  I loved last year's group.  I think I'll love every group.)

Then I sat with one of my group members and my leader, in the middle of them so I couldn't bolt before the lecture was done.  I did my best to take good notes and pay attention.

Lastly I called my mom and talked to her while I was sitting in the church parking lot.  Updated her on my progress and news, heard about her political adventures from the weekend, talked psychology (I definitely get my tendency to self-analyze from her), talked about my brother and my roommate.  Finally she kicked me off the phone when she realized I wasn't home and needed to got to bed soon.  (Some of us get up pretty darn early in the morning.)

I feel a bit like this amazing song by Francesca Battistelli called "Free to be me"

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though i can`t always see

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you`re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek
And it`s easy to believe
Even though

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Copyright by Francesca Battistelli 

 God is good even when I don't feel good.  Today was good even when I didn't see it.

My PSA

I've had such an amazing few days off.  I've seen friends that I haven't seen for months, and some I just saw last week.  I got things done: emotionally, mentally, chores wise.

I needed a swift kick in the butt this week.  Thankfully I had some friends and family to provide it.  I've even got a girlfriend who's been calling me daily to check up with me.  I'm really blessed to have so many people to turn to for help.

That said, I have to wonder how many people out there suffer with serotonin deficiency, depression, S.A.D.D or dysthymia and don't get help.  Whether they feel they don't need help or don't want help or maybe they think they have no one to go to.

That's never true.  There's ALWAYS help to found.  There's always someone who cares, someone who'll listen.  Yes, there is God.  I would recommend talking to Him.  But you know what; God's made sure there are people here to help too.

So I encourage anyone who might stumble across this post; if you have more than just the passing blues, if the winter months are especially difficult for you to get through mood wise and you lack motivation when the weather is so gloomy the first of year--consider talking to your doctor or a counselor or at the very least a friend or loved one.

When I finally got the right perspective going last week I saw it wasn't the end of the world.  After I asked for help, I realized I could make it, with God's help and the support of my family and friends.  So I'm ready to start the week.

New Mantra

Not really my own writing.  But something I got from my mom.  A reminder of who I really am, so that in those moments, hours, days, whatever, when I'm "feeling" less than my best or I'm beating myself up over a percieved failure I can read this and remember I'm not that bad.

My Father in heaven loves me and has a purpose for my life.

My earthly parents love me and want me to be happy, healthy and productive.

I am a good person; I can be a better person with God's help.

I am able to reach out to my family, friends, and church family.

I am not alone in the universe.

I am an intelligent person who can solve complex problems in my job; therefore, I am capable of understanding that, while my emotions may be in turmoil, I am the same person I was when things seemed to be going better.

With God's help, the support of my family and friends, I can get through this crisis.

I set standards and expectations for myself that are often too high and unreasonable.  I am without a doubt my worst critic and harshest enemy (after Satan).  I doubt myself and my contributions, even when I am at my best.

So these words from my mom will be with me at all times.  I know I am loved by many, I know I am worthwhile, and I know I am not a waste of space or oxygen. I will drum these truths into me.

And I will learn to love myself as God, family and friends love me.  Because whatever I am feeling or thinking or doing--I am lovely and lovable.

Bigger Problems

I may not be okay but seriously there are far, far bigger problems in the world.  From the devastating earthquake in Haiti, to the tight Connecticut race for Kennedy's old Senate seat, to Health Care reform, to Paula Abdula not being a judge on American Idol this season...  Okay maybe the last one isn't that earth-shattering.  I might get lynched by a couple friends who watch it but I'll take my chances.

Part of me is kicking myself for being so selfish and self centered lately.  Who cares if I'm depressed?  Or I don't feel like myself?


There are families with loved ones serving in the military in dangerous places around the world.  There are kids and families on the streets, around the world and in the U.S. that don't know when they're next meal will be or how they will survive another cold winter night without shelter.  There are children who have no father or mother; they both died from AIDS, or cancer, or a drunk driver hit their car.


How dare I sit here and feel sorry for myself when I have food to eat, parents to call and tell them I love them, a roof over my head, and a hand-me down computer to write this on.  I have bought into the lie that says I deserve this.  I have apparently taken to heart the American myth that all that I have is owed to me simple by my birthright. 


It's NOT true.  Just because I was born in America doesn't mean I'm better than anyone.  It doesn't mean I deserve anything.  In point of fact I am not owed anything by anyone.


I am blessed.  I am not deserving of what I have to begin with so how can I ask for more?  By the nature of that blessing I possess I am under obligation to bless others.  How can I do otherwise?  To hoard and acquire and stockpile the goodness God has graced me with would be deplorable.


In the book of Matthew Jesus talks about us all standing before Him to be judged.  He says this:

      Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

      "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

        "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

        "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

        "They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

         "He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

         "Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."  Matthew 25:34-46

 I want to start looking outside me and help someone who's hurting and needs help.

Okay?

"Hey, how are you?"

"Hi, what's up?"

"How you doing?"

"How's it going"

There are so many variations on this question.  In today's society people are trained to ask this question.  The response is also trained.

"Okay."

Really?  I mean, really?  We have been trained to not really care about the question or answer for most people we ask or answer.  It's a banal, cliche salutation exchange that's been ingrained into our heads.

I try to fight it as much as I can.  I try to come up with different ways to say good.  But I don't want to mislead people if I'm having a crappy day.  Sometimes I admit I don't know.  Sometimes I'm cryptic because it's none of their business what's really going on with me.

Honestly, though, I answer 'okay' a lot.  It's an automatic response.  But it's not always true.

Recently I read a great book called, cold tangerines by Shauna Niequist.  In it she writes wonderful insights about life, seeing the extraordinary in things that happen every day, to all of us.  One of my favorite passages is in the chapter called "good causes".

Being with Julia and Doug today made me think about the idea that everything is okay.  That idea is nothing but cruel in its untruth.  Okayness is a thin scab that rips off every once in a while and exposes a river of blood and infection, an inroad to the whole body.  We live in reasonable peace, accomplishing things and doing what we're told and expecting taht if we behave, we will be rewarded; that for living quietly and industriously, for donating to Easter Seals and letting people merge in front of us on the highway, we will be given good things, good lives.  And then something happens to us; we get that phone call of that feeling or that doctor's report, and everything changes.
     The sky might as well be red, the solid ground replaced with seawater, because it is a different world.  It's like a chemical change, charges reversing from positive to negative.  And in the midst of this change, you look around and realize that everyone else seems to be doing fine, that you must be the only one who notices this change.
     We preserve the myth even though we no longer believe it.  We insist that everything is okay.  But we're kidding ourselves.  Can you look into the eyes of the people around you and really believe that everything is okay?  We want to believe that things roll off our backs, that we are tough and world-wise, and that we're all holding it together pretty well.  But you which door you lock behind you when you're crying so hard you can't see.  You know what word or image rips off that scab.  Everything is not okay.
     In all my scramblings to do the right thing and be the right person, I miss some of the most important things I think God might be asking me to do.

I'm certainly not okay.  I'm not even trying to listen to God half the time these days.  I'm starting to shut down in some ways.  And I'm not sure I care enough to reverse it.  Maybe the spiral down will fuel more writing.  I'm sure eventually I'll care again.

Weirdness

There are a myriad of reasons I'm weird; this is just one.

I don't think I'm a fake, but I am a pretty good actress.  I'm not sure people realize that about me.  I'm a genuine article and truthfulness and honesty are important to me.  But sometimes it takes me a while to realize when I've been acting.  Or maybe I'm just flighty.  It doesn't seem to take much to bring me up or down.

A good example is last week.  I did not want to go to BSF.  I hadn't finished my lesson, I was in a funk and I really didn't want to be around people.  (Yes I had a friend over but we can be in the same room and not really interact between our computers and the TV all being on)

I went to BSF anyway because I'm refusing to let emotions rule me and/or my behavior.  My mind is in charge, not my heart.  Emotions lie and manipulate and confuse.  So I went to BSF and was running a little late; I missed the opening hymns and announcements.  I got to our discussion room and immediately realized there were twice as many chairs as there should be.

Of all nights for there to be more people it was both horrible and perfect. 

Horrible that more people for me to be embarrassed in front of.  More people for me to be exposed to germs up close and personal.  More people for me to be uncomfortable around.  More people to witness me in a time of insecurity. 

Perfect that there were more people to talk, so my failure wouldn't hinder the discussion as much.  Perfect that there were more people and I could blend into the crowd.  Perfect that there were more people who didn't know me so not talking wouldn't seem too weird.

I think my leader Angela suspected I had nothing.  The first time she called on me I couldn't even say anything.  I just shook my head vigorously and she moved on.  Then she called on me later to read a verse, which is a classic technique to get participation from someone.  Especially in BSF when someone hasn't finished their lesson.

I managed to make it through and sat in the sanctuary all the way on the far right, as far from people as I could.

But then a lady came in after we'd started singing and sat in the middle of my row, three chairs away.  So I saddled up beside her and shared the hymnal I was holding.   So much for avoiding people.

Then the lecture began and I managed to stay on track and focus until I started crying for no reason.  Well, that's not entirely true.   Something Barb said hit me but it shouldn't have hit so hard.

But when I came home to my roommate and friend who was still hanging out there, I was fine.  There was no indication in me that anything was amiss.  We stayed up for hours watching movies and surfing the internet and it's like I was pretending to fine.  But I didn't realize that until I went to sleep.

This happens to me or I make it happen a lot it seems.  Even the times when I perk up around my friends only to cry myself home in the car.  Of I wake up horrible and smile all day work.  I'm not being disingenuous; it's that I don't know who I am most of the time.

So my conclusion is I'm totally weird.  That and I have very little idea what's going on in my own head.