What I'm Clinging To Lately

It's was a rough week on my last rotation. If today's any indication, it's another rough one ahead. And the week after will at least start out preying on my insecurities... so I'm holding on to the One who always holds me. Only Jesus got me through before and He's the only one who can do it again.

Here's Jamie Grace's "Hold Me" featuring Toby Mac

Book Review: Facing Justice

Facing Justice is the first novel from Diane/David Munson, the ex-prosecutor/ex-undercover agent, wife/husband writing duo.

Blurb from the cover: Former Federal Prosecutor Diane Munson and retired Federal Special Agent David Munson draw on their true-life experiences in this suspense novel about Special Agent Eva Montanna, whose twin sister died at the Pentagon on 9/11.

Eva dedicates her career to avenge her death while investigating Emile Jubayl, a member of Eva’s church and CEO of Helpers International, who is accused of using his aid organization to funnel money to El Samoud, head of the Armed Revolutionary Cause, and successor to Al Qaeda.

Family relationships are tested in this fast-paced, true-to-life legal thriller about the men and women who are racing to defuse the ticking time bomb of international terrorism.

First of all, David was right. As I previously reviewed Confirming Justice, the third book in the Munson’s growing series, I was interested in how I would feel meeting a couple of the characters for the first time, again. The books don’t need to be read in publishing order to be entertaining and make sense. From a character evolving stand point I would definitely recommend starting with Facing Justice and moving through the Munson’s series in order.

I will certainly continue reading the Munson’s books. I enjoy their characters, even the ones I don’t like. I think Eva, Griff, Trenton, Sari, Emile, George, and even Zayed and Camille are relatable characters. Some characters are Christ followers and go through sincere crises of faith. All are on a journey in one way or another; some towards forgiveness, redemption and salvation, while others careen to deception, alienation, and destruction.

One character I have to address is Trenton Nash. His character arc thru this book is perhaps the hardest to follow. Mostly because I couldn’t stand him after the first chapter he appeared in. Which was the second chapter of the book. He was infuriating with his arrogance and flippant attitude leaping off the page. I was thankful for Griff and Eva’s experienced hands on the investigation.

I would like to say I was a big person. But I did not reflect Christ very well when it came to Trenton’s character. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7, often called the “love chapter” of the Bible, state “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Despite the fact that I began to feel sorry for Trenton as more of his past was revealed, I was pretty happy to see Trenton get caught and punished. However, I didn’t expect to see his remorse and contrition. Once Trenton made it clear that he wanted to change his life, I wanted to give him a second chance. When his past was fully exposed, only then was I reminded how twisted our past can turn us.

Speaking of past pain, several of the terrorists of the book have specific moments/events themselves that fuel their desire to kill and destroy. While it certainly didn’t bring me to condone the characters’ actions; I did feel pity for them. It was painful to begin understanding how the terrorists came to be who they were based on their past pain, their loss of hope, and their despair.

Facing Justice did captivate me. I had a hard time pausing to sleep, eat and go to work. There were a couple spots I felt were out of place. Early on, Eva’s got a morning that goes from bad to worse, but the description of what happened gets sandwiched in half a page later in her conversation with Trenton. It distracted me from what they were talking about. These are minor things though in the grand scheme of the book. There were some supporting characters that didn’t seem fleshed out very well; the secretary for Eva’s group is rather one-dimensional as are several of the FBI agents, but there’s not a lot of time spent with them so it’s understandable. Though the secretary kind of tweaks me the wrong way.

I really enjoyed learning about the intricacies of the grand jury process, and the ins and outs of pen registers and wire-tapping. The Munson’s backgrounds and their attention to detail come through prominently in the objective descriptions, as well as the character’s dialogue.

Like Confirming Justice, there are some wonderful, life and faith affirming themes to Facing Justice. There are some tried and true lessons to be gleamed about the American system of justice and law enforcement.

The theme of redemption and forgiveness play strongly in Trenton Nash’s story arc. The timelessness of God’s mercy and grace are evident as well. Forgiveness also plays a large role in Sari’s story arc. God’s sovereignty and love are also present. Thelma is a pillar of faith that stands in Sari’s life in stark contrast to Sari’s neglectful family. Clearly, community is vital to survival as Christians. We do not live/serve/worship God in a vacuum. The importance of family and the strains between job and family push Eva to the limit and force her to make hard choices, ultimately affirming family comes before work.

The idea that people are “innocent until proven guilty” rings false in today’s media saturated culture. People are nearly always convicted or cleared in the public’s eye before law enforcement and the courts can review the evidence and make informed decisions on justice. I think the Munson’s touch this point fearlessly. There are “terrorists” that are anything but.

However, on one last note…there are some, let’s call them inconsistencies in the end. There is a possibility that a single character has deceived everyone. Left me hanging, questioning, and wondering…

Did I mention how much I look forward to the next Munson book on my list?

 

Curl up with a good friend—read a book!

Book Review: If You're Reading This It's Too Late

I’ve gotten ahead of myself once again. I have seven or eight books to review. But they’ll all be separate so the review itself doesn’t become a book.

If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late is the second book in the Secret Series following The Name of this Book is Secret. I’ve already read the third volume as well, book review pending, and I’ve decided I must find the fourth book at the library soon. And by soon, I mean as soon as I’m done with the dozen books I have already checked out. Hmm. Could be a while.

Anyway, we join our heroes of the Secret Series, Cassandra and Max-Ernest, on their next adventure; well, they actually have several adventures in the book. The duo struggle with being a duo after Cass befriends a new kid at school who has a secret of his own. There are newish villains to face. I say new”ish” because, well, I knew they weren’t good before but this book cements the characters position on good and evil. Parent issues continue in this book as well. Not just for Max-Ernest with his parents strange divorce situation and double everything, but Cass has her own difficulties as well. Interestingly, Cass’s new found issues with her mom, Mel, aren’t as left field as they seem and weave very well into the story (and the next book).

In the previous book, The Name of this Book is Secret, Cass and Max-Ernest lied to their parents for the first times. This time around, both kids lie to their parents again on several occasions and Cass in particular faces some consequences of their actions. I’m not opposed to kids having adventures in fiction book, but they idea that the responsible adults in their life must always be lied to or tricked into letting the adventures happen does not sit well with me, especially in the cases where the kids get off scot free. Yes, I understand a little slack for kids who are inexperienced in the world but more often than not, the kids know they’re disobeying parents/guardians. I don’t agree with the world view that “the ends justify the means”. If the kids were acting out of ignorance, that would be another situation.

Don’t get me started on Harry Potter and friends. I like the books but man! Early on those kids get away with murder and are even rewarded for bad behavior. Or the movie Catch That Kid. Ugh. Kids pull off a bank heist and get rewarded for their deceit, deception and nearly alluding the authorities. They get caught red handed and don’t even get a slap on the wrist ‘cause someone’s mom covers for them. What a terrible example to set. There are numerous movies books that illustrate my point, but I think it’s been made. Also, I’m digressing…

The villainous twosome, Dr. L and Ms. Mauvais, are around/behind every sneaky doing/goings on and have a new scheme to discover the Secret. This time around, they plan on going through an evil man named Lord Pharaoh, long dead (seriously like centuries) but whose work lives on (literally). The Midnight Sun Society is also doing its best to not underestimate a couple of curious, clever children who pretty much torched their last headquarters.

There’s troublesome classmates, nasty sock puppets, a principal with no sense of humor, plenty of stinky dung, and a regular circus troupe of cavalry. The Museum of Magic, an unnamed beach on the ocean with a dock, Whisper Lake and a mysterious boat are among the new locations the kids explore.

Several questions from the end of the first book are answered and like any good mystery, more questions get raised through book two. We find out if the magician Cass and Max-Ernest tried saving in the first book is still alive. What/who is the Terces Society? That get answered, sort of. Remaining questions are: who are the Terces members really? What’s the hidden connection between Cass and the Terces Society? And of course, what is the Secret?

Much the first novel, this second book in the Secret Series is delightful. The pov changes between the heroes and the villains. Though we don’t get into the heads of the villains as we do the kid heroes. Like the first book, I think we spend most of the story in Cass’ perspective, but there are some great Max-Ernest sections. I really enjoyed Max-Ernest’s attempts at exploring his anger, trying to throw things around in his room. He just doesn’t quite have it.

My favorite section is *spoiler alert* the Oath of Terces:

 

I have a secret I can’t tell nor ink;

Though it has no scent, it does often stink;

Through it makes no sound, it can make you roar;

When it’s tasteless, I like it all the more.

Though it has no shade, it lacks no color;

Though it has no shape, it lacks no dolor.

If you think you know it, you’re incorrect,

And from you the Secret I will protect.

The Secret of Life is not stone nor cents,

For the Secret Sense is but a nonsense.

-If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, page 357

 

Curl up with a good friend—read a book!

Book Review : The Name of This Book is Secret

The Name of this Book is Secret is a great read. It is the first in the series. It’s a familiar blend of literary elements reminiscent OF Lemony Snicket’s Unfortunate Events and the Alcatraz versus the Evil Librarians series. It is a mystery-adventure that is out right hilarious; and it’s not afraid to make fun of itself or it’s genre.

 

The unknown narrator of the book is author Pseudonymous Bosch. A clear suspect emerges by the end of the story as to whom the author is meant to be. The narrator’s voice and personality remind me very much of Lemony Snicket. Bosch cautions his readers against going further, tries to get out of writing chapters and bemoans circumstances at every turn. Bosch is also very secretive, as evidenced by the book’s title.

 

The narrator also reminds me of Alcatraz (who is the really author of his book series, not that silly Brandon Sanderson who keeps claiming to have written the series). Like Alcatraz, Bosch is very snarky and clever. Bosch will often sum up slow moving moments to keep the story moving quickly.

 

Here’s the blurb from the paperback’s back cover:

 

          This is a story about a secret, but is also contains a secret story.

 

When adventurous detectives Cass, an ever-vigilant survivalist, and Max-Ernest, a boy driven by logic, discover the Symphony of Smells, a box filled with smelly vials of colorful ingredients, they accidentally stumble upon a mystery surrounding a dead magician’s hidden diary and the hunt for immorality.

 

Filled with word games and anagrams and featuring a mysterious narrator, this is a book that won’t stay secret for long.

 

I have long been a fan of secret codes and secret clubs and spy like stuff. I even had a couple kid spy books when I was a kid, all about making your own codes and using lemon juice and light bulbs to send and decoded invisible messages. Granted I didn’t have a lot of friends into that so I was a lonely spy. :(

 

Back to Secret. There is a significant amount of action for a pair of 11-year-old detectives who are initially bigger talkers than doers. The friendship that develops between these two loners rang true for me, since I’ve often thought I was an outsider most of my childhood.

 

One of things I like about this book is similar to why I liked my last book reviewed; and that is the clear delineation between the good guys and the bad guys, in several cases good girls and bad girls. Sure there are twisty, sneaky characters that fool our protagonists one way or another, but those characters have clear loyalties when revealed. (In any spy or mystery book, you have to assume that some characters are going to turn out to be not what they seem.)

 

Ms. Mauvais and Dr. L are clearly the evil antagonists from the moment our young detectives lay eyes on them. Well, at least from Cass’ point of view.

 

The folks who “help” Cass and Max-Ernest are not exactly forthcoming, but what do you expect from a paranoid secret society trying to stop a secret evil society from discovering the secret of immortality?

 

The descriptions and settings are wonderfully described. Chapter illustrations are humorous and chapter titles are often a summary. But a mysterious kind of summery.

 

In the end, I also like the lessons the characters learn, apart from when the kids learn how to lie convincingly to their parents. (They do get in trouble but not with their parents, so they pretty much get away with lying, which is so common in kid adventure stories, because as we all know, responsible adults would never let kids have real adventures and if parents ever found out about said adventures, no more would take place.)

 

There are some good values about teamwork, perseverance, friendship, and the dangerousness secrets. The fact that the bad characters are seeking immortality also causes the reader to think seriously about such a prospect. If there was a secret to immortality, would you want to discover it?

 

I for one am happy I will live one life, however short or long God deems, and will join my Savior in heaven after I die.

 

But I’m real and this book was fiction. Still it made me think.

Book Review: Confirming Justice

It was actually a couple of months ago that I had a neat opportunity to meet an exciting couple of writers. I mean couple literally a couple of writers.

Diane and David Munson are a husband and wife team that write military/law enforcement/legal suspense books.  Confirming Justice is not the first in the series. I'm testing David's theory that one doesn't have to read them in order to enjoy them. There are several characters which show up in the first three books, and the fifth I believe, but each novel is a stand-alone story. So reading them out of order might disrupt the notion of growing with the characters that reappear. But I digress...

Let me start at meeting Diane and David. A friend and I were meandering through the Tree of Life bookstore when I heard a gentleman approach my friend and talk to her about a book signing going on in the store. I was several rows away but I heard words like DEA, prosecutor, and undercover. I'll admit, I hadn't even heard the pitch and I was already sold.

I'm a big fan of the mystery genre; I really enjoy law enforcement films/television/novels. I had real life interests as well: I interned with the Iowa City Police Dept in college, participated in Police Explorers in high school and would love to find work in a forensics laboratory.

He caught up with me not two minutes later and handed me a little mini flyer. It had a picture of his wife and himself and a short description of their newest book, Redeeming Liberty. My friend is into forensics too so we went over to the table to meet them.

David was meandering around the store and dividing his attention, so we mainly talked with Diane initially. She was very sweet and obviously passionate about their books. Diane mentioned that much of what they wrote about were fictionalized from real life experiences of their own. She spoke of their backgrounds; she was a Federal Prosecutor and was with the US Dept of Justice while David was retired from law enforcement. He's worked in the FBI, NIS (now NCIS) and DEA.

Both David and Diane were engaging and authentic. Their sincere faith was inspiring. I think it gave me hope that I might one day realize my dream of working in law enforcement in some capacity, probably a lab. (My mom would definitely prefer me in a nice safe lab.)

David, having been in many undercover operations and working the streets, was surprisingly eager to answer my questions. I guess I was surprised because 25 years in law enforcement didn't appear to have made him jaded and cynical. I'm sure David would credit that to God and his faith. I had a little bit of star-struckness going on but I managed to ask him some questions. Was there ever an issue of his faith conflicting with his job? Has he seen the NCIS television show? What does he think about it and the LA spin-off? Are the shows accurate where they can be? (Obviously most issues in the real world don't fit into an hour.)

Diane offered to have them sign the books if we bought them. I gave in a got them. My friend put some money in toward the books and we got one free with the purchase of three. We say we're sharing custody. She has one to read, and now that I'm finished with Confirming Justice, I'll take that to her place and let her hang on to it.

Now after that mountain of an introduction, which I won't do with the other books of the Munson's, allow me to give a few thoughts on my impressions of this first book.

Here is the blurb from their website regarding the book:

In Confirming Justice, Federal Judge Dwight Pendergast presides over a bribery case involving the son of a cabinet secretary. Suddenly the key prosecution witness disappears. When FBI agent Griffin Topping is brought in to locate the witness he soon finds his life in peril. Meantime, across town in the White House, the President is about to nominate Judge Pendergast to fill a Supreme Court vacancy.

In a race against time Agent Topping risks everything to save the case while opponents of the nomination attempt to expose deeply held family secrets concerning the judge.

Featuring a mix of plot twists, legal intrigue and fast-paced suspense, Confirming Justice is sure to be a popular and satisfying read for those wanting a realistic portrayal of what can go on behind the scenes at the center of power.

Confirming Justice is a wonderful maze of interwoven plot lines. I was pleasantly surprised by a number of twists and turns in the story. I attempted to anticipate them but was not always on the right trail. The convergence of several story lines around FBI Agent Griff Topping were intriguing. The realness of his investigation is certainly due to author David's background.

The chief protagonist is not a Christian. In fact a number of main supporting characters aren't even interested in God at the beginning of the book. Some change, some grow; the people populating the book are very real in their motivations and human nature.

There are a number of great supporting characters who, while not fully fleshed out for the reader, come across as real people. The antagonists are fleshed out well. We get to see their twisted perspective on life and in at least two cases I came to feel sorry that they could not see reality.

I like that I get to root for the good guys. I admit to liking movies like Italian Job and Ocean's 11, (the recent remakes and not the original films), but I want a story more like the original Star Wars. The good guys are good guys, the bad guys are bad guys. Yeah, there are people who switch sides and sure, there are tough choices to be made but you don't question that the good guys are good.

I really enjoyed the inside look into the higher courts and the investigative work. The inner struggles of the judges family were emotional, but not predictable. There were moments I was surprised, moments I was elated and moments I was disappointed. But I was never crushed; I kept wanting to know what happens next.

All that being said I don't think it's a perfect novel. There are a couple places where events are foreshadowed but it feels the reader is being talked down to. In one case a new chapter started and a judge makes choices unaware of how another's character choices are affecting them. I'm not sure the reader needs to be told that simultaneous events are outside the scope of a character's knowledge.

There is also some inconsistency in the voice. We get into different characters heads at different times. That's something I enjoy about books. Unlike film or television, which is visual, I think it can be easier to delve into a character's motivations and thoughts on a page. The reader has time to percolate on  the characters more.

What I object to is making exceptions for drama's sake. One chapter began inside a judge's head but then when the phone rings, the reader is not included in the phone call. This is probably for the added punch of the character giving shocking news to his family. It's an abrupt shift that immediately switches back to the judge's thoughts after he reveals the news.

There are also occasionally thoughts that I couldn't tell if they were from the omniscient description narrator or a character. In most cases it probably didn't matter. There were just one or two cases where I was a little confused until a second or third read through the paragraph.

Back to the good stuff, now. There are a number of character transformations that take place in the book. They are not sudden or manufactured; the changes that take place for a number of characters are authentic. The advantage of getting inside characters heads it to see their thought processes, hear the questions they speak in their minds to no one else. (Whereas on the screen, there would have to be a voice over or words spoken out loud, to another character or themselves.)

I don't dare give spoilers here but I really like the freshness of how the plotlines weave together to the book's culmination. There are some moments that lead me to believe there will or could be future appearances for numerous characters in future novels by the Munsons. There was an especially nice moment with a minor character towards the end that was particularly revealing for a main character and for me, as the reader. It challenged assumptions I had made along with the main character about the minor character. It reminded me how easy it is judge characters, and people in real life, when you don't know what's going on inside them.

I have to say that Confirming Justice is definitely a book I recommend. It has minor flaws that easily overlooked in my mind, given the authenticity of the plot and major characters. While God is not the center of the story, He is central. What I mean is, the main thrust of the story is not just someone finding salvation and being reconciled to God through His son Jesus. Like real life, God is simply there in the story, ever present even when characters don't recognize His presence.

At least there's sunshine today

I am so not in the mood to write. This leads me to the conclusion that I should not only be writing but writing more.

 

I love having a writing voice. I love expressing myself with words. I love words. I love $5 dollar words. Learning new, obscure or outdated words is a game for me. Pleonastic*, plethora*, etymology*, and illuminate* are just a few of my favorites.

 

I recall reading an article (I don’t remember when) that reported we, as a culture or society, are losing words. The vocabulary available just decades ago has been drastically reduced. Shakespeare’s time, we are not.

 

I wonder why? I suspect technology and the fact that most do not read for pleasure. The second point has some to do with the first point but more on that later. I know there are those who still enjoy curling up on the couch with a throw and diving into a good book (or an e-reader if you must Mom). As an adult, I have numerous friends who don’t really like to read. I remember being weird growing up because I liked books so much; I think I expected it to change when I was an adult. Add that to the pile of bubbles popped by adulthood.

 

Firstly, why do I think technology plays a role? Think about all the different forms of media you are exposed to everyday. What do you think is the average attention span of a person? Do you realize that average commercials used to be minutes long? Today, advertisers want your attention in 20-30 second clips. It’s all about maximizing a small bit of time so networks/websites/billboards can sell more spots.

 

Advertisers often claim that they have to shorten their spots to deal with the shortened attention spans of today’s audiences, but it’s a vicious cycle. Shorter commercials = shorter attention spans. Shorter attention spans = shorter commercials.

 

An aside*: I remember the first multi-billboard I ever encountered.  I don’t remember where, Indianapolis or Kansas City maybe, but the impression was vivid.  Right before my eyes the billboard flipped in various panels, like a slide transition in a PowerPoint presentation.  There was a completely unrelated ad now staring me in the face. And now we have electronic billboards that can scroll through myriad ads.

 

Today we get news in the ticker along the bottom of screen while we maybe pay attention to hour 27 of the latest world crisis. We get email updates from the major news outlets or networks that are packaged into nice little paragraphs to sum up the article in the link provided; we may or may not (more likely not) click the hyperlink and read the full article.

 

We have no patience to read an entire article. Give us a graph to sum up the poll. Give us a chart to show the differences between the two products or candidates. Give us a time line to sum up the history of this particular thing. Give us bullet points in the intro so we don’t have to go further than the second paragraph. We’re just reading the summaries on the yahoo/google/msn/cnn news websites, right?

 

(None of the above examples are bad things, in and of themselves. They are all very helpful tools. But I don’t think they should replace well reasoned and skillfully constructed full paragraphs.)

 

Secondly, why don’t people read for pleasure anymore? First, let’s be honest. It hasn’t always appealed to everyone. Could that be because they haven’t read enough? Everyone has an interest in something. There are books about everything out there. I think there are many who haven’t given books enough of a chance.

 

I also point the fingers and parents and teachers, and yes, a culture, who haven’t fostered environments that make reading fun or rewarding. I’ve seen terribly sad statistics over the years of how many students are actually graduating high school without basic reading comprehension skills. Who would want to read when it’s so hard and no one seems to think it matters to life?

 

Reading is an enriching experience that I am thrilled my parents encouraged. In fact all my parents are skilled writers, some more technical, others more imaginative. Reading and writing go hand in hand. I think I would be lost without my abilities to express myself in erudite* terms. Praise God for these blessings He’s given.

 

I sit here writing, wishing I was not or had something better to say. But at least there’s sunshine today.

 

(*Yes, you may have to go look up some words in the dictionary—I’m not telling you what they means here)

Who Says Indeed

Didn't get interested in this song til a friend posted it on her blog. And weeks later I finally watched. So here it is. Hoping and praying Selena can stay true to herself and not be so corrupted by Hollywood and such like so many Disney starlettes before her.

Oooohhh. Rich would scold me if he could see this lunch

Rich (http://www.therifelife.com/The_Rife_Life/Home.html) is my M.A.T. Specialist and Digestive Health Specialist, as well as one of my surrogate big brothers.... I will pay for this deliciousness later. But it's Easter Sunday breakfast, so I'm taking my enzymes and praying for mercy.

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Happy Resurrection Sunday!

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed!

Psalm 150

 ¹ Praise the LORD.^[a]      Praise God in his sanctuary;
   praise him in his mighty heavens.
² Praise him for his acts of power;
   praise him for his surpassing greatness.
³ Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,
   praise him with the harp and lyre,
⁴ praise him with timbrel and dancing,
   praise him with the strings and pipe,
⁵ praise him with the clash of cymbals,
   praise him with resounding cymbals.
 ⁶ Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.
   Praise the LORD.

Highbridge in Wilmore KY

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My cute little nephew...just a little tuckered out...naptime on his dad's (my bro) shoulder

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Mom and Me when I visited dinner club in IA earlier this week...yes I've been traveling like crazy

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A friend's motto that makes a lot of sense

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My Dad, the weather man, showing my stepmom and I where a tornado might form...north of us now praise God

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The Eternal Existential Question

I love Facebook.  I know, that's not a question, I'll get to that.  Facebook has put me into contact with so many of my family members living in other states.  Friends too.  Though the friends I communicate the most with are actually local.  Kinda weird I think.

Why do I bring up Facebook?  A recent post I made was that I was "struggling to reconcile who she is with who she thinks she should be and with who she thinks others think she should be and who God says she is."

That sounds really confusing.  I wasn't sure if anyone would understand after I posted it but I didn't really post it for them.  I needed to get the entire thought out of my head and see it to understand it myself. I'm one of those people (not the ones that use 2 spaces after a period, well I do that too but I'm of the thinking that writing something down or talking about it aids in understanding "it").

The responses I got where meant to be encouraging and they were to an extent. Someone joked.  A couple mentioned Disney's Mulan and "being true to your heart".  Others advised that since I can't control other's thoughts I should be too concerned.  I can explain myself if I wish but God is the only one I live for. One reminded me that I had encouraged her and would do the same for me.

Sounds great, right? Obviously there are people who love and care about me and my well being.  I did know that.  I'm very thankful for being so blessed with friends and family and more surrogate family than I can shake a stick at.

My response was this: "So what prompted all this? I don't like who I am when no one is around. That's the real me. Character is who you are when you're alone. I don't like that Mikki but it's so hard changing her. I like the Mikki you all know and love. I am in awe of the Mikki that God sees.  I think too much. I'm too much philosopher and dreamer and thinker than actual doer."

Self evaluation is difficult.  I am my worst critic and certainly very critical, more critical than I should be.  I'm biased but biased in a manner against me.  Seems wrong, I know.  It is.

But here's the truth.  I don't like the Mikki I am when no one's around.  I think the Mikki everyone else sees is the same Mikki I show everyone but she's different than the Mikki I know. (So I don't have different personae for different friend groups or family...I am the same whomever I'm with.)

The Mikki I know is a terrible person; she's full of hate, deceit, lust, greed and pride.  She thinks she's not very smart and can't understand why no one else sees that.  She thinks she should be awarded a lifetime achievement award by the Academy for her acting skills, having been one person to the world all her life and one person to herself.

It's not that I care what others think about me.  It's that now that I have this facade everyone knows, I don't know how to change it. I want to be that person people think I am. Not to please them but because that Mikki is so much better than the Mikki I know.

Now if I haven't confused you enough, what's God think of Mikki?  God loves Mikki.  Who knows why, but He does.  He sent His son, Jesus, to take her place on the cross.  Jesus willingly gave His life for her so she could be reconciled with God.

Why am I fighting God on who I am?  Why can't I just rest in Him and know that one day with discipline and His power of transformation I will be that Mikki everyone sees?  Why don't I trust that I will someday see and embrace the Mikki God sees and knows and loves?

Most of all...why can't I stop thinking about me?  The universe, all creation, my life and everyone else's lives exist to worship God. Why can't I just shut my brain off, shut up and do that?

So...I'm blogging from my friend's iPad. It's pretty cool. I tend to play with it the last few weeks I've been over helping her do home projects. I've determined I'm most definitely my father's daughter. And my grandfather's granddaughter. Grandpa Harry was a carpenter and I rememeber being in his garage as a kid and sweeping up the sawdust.

My dad learned a lot from his dad and my Mom's dad (Harry). Now my pop is a general contractor and loves working on remodel projects and home improvements. I even helped him build a bay window seat with storage and and doors. It was very cool.

But I digress.

Over the last year I've really enjoyed helping my friend hang up picture frames and a widow shade and widow treatments. We've hung a mirror and installed baby locks. I helped do some painting in the basement. We layed carpet with a third friend of ours. We've worked on cleaning her garage (organization is a specialty of mine and Medina's-we made it a project to help her get started.)

So the point of this blog?

There isn't one. Sorry. I just wanted to play on her iPad more.

Peace, love and blessings!

It's true!

The "old" cliche (aren't all cliches old? who's heard a new cliche?) "You're as young as you feel"?  TOTALLY TRUE!

As a adult, I must admit that I do not think I have every really acted my age unless I had to.  It is not that I am averse to responsibility or something.  Well I am on somethings, like not having sex before marriage, not buying a house while still single, or not running for public office.  (And who exactly would elect me?  I wouldn't want to be  over them...)

I definitely think, right or wrong, that I grew up too fast.  I do not blame my parents but I think being from a divorced home attributed to it. But I am also a first born, a bit of a perfectionist, and as a kid I was nearly always "something-going-on-30". It's not my parent's fault I had an old soul.  Now that I'm older, I long for the innocence and carefree time I took for granted and think I often missed out on.

Long intro I know but the point is this: I started volunteering with the student ministry at my church.

I know what you're thinking.  You are shaking in your boots right now.  Sweat is dripping down your forward as you imagine having to interact with a group of people between 7th-12th grade. Let's face it--what's more intimidating than a bunch of pre-teens and teenagers...even Christian ones?

I was scared.  So I put off emailing the student pastor for months.  Months and months I tell you!  Then God decided I was dragging my feet too long and my small group that met on Sunday night essentially disbanded.  (Amicably disbanded as we all felt God was taking us elsewhere.)

So with that I was inclined to say "Huh.  I guess you really do want me to do this God.  Okay."  Life goes so much easier when I stop arguing or fighting with God on what He wants me to do.

I am shadowing one of the other small group leaders.  She's got 7th grade girls.  So far they're pretty fabulous.  I've been amazed how much they've talked with me around.  I was nervous a week we went to the McD's down the street from church and just hung out.  I talked entirely too much to try to cover my nervousness.

Tonight after the worship time and message we headed over to the indoor gym to play games.  We played three ball baseball.  Very fun and Brian (the pastor) insisted his helpers play too.  Let me tell you, I throw like a girl.  I know, I am a girl, but I have some really athletic girlfriends who love sports.  I also run like a girl, and I'm still a little overweight.

And neither of those things mattered tonight.  I had fun and laughed and clapped and encouraged both teams and then watched some play ultimate frisbee after the group game was done.  I bonded with some gals outside the small group I've been with and I tried to connect with some of the guys.  (I've had my cootie shots.)

I feel so young.  I know I could be some of these kids mom if I'd gotten pregnant in high school.  I'm a couple years older than our student pastor for the love of Henrietta Muir. I'm sure to make references and use catchphrases that go over their heads making them roll their eyes.

But I'm also an avid follower of Nickelodeon, Disney, Disney XD, Cartoon Network and lots of other stuff I should be "grown-out-of" by now.  So I think I have some street cred and hopefully can be at least, sort of cool.

Some gals tonight loved my Star Wars shirt with Vader and the words "Warning: Choking Hazard."  I think I'm on my way...

Where do I go from here?

Feeling like I am not living up to my full potential.  Like somehow I an letting people down.  Should I not be more cutting edge?  Should I not be more indispensable?  Should I not be more "important"?

Part of the answers lie in the question of the lens I view myself through.  The world's? God's?  It makes a difference.  The world's eyes are easier but often more disappointing to gaze with.  God's view is harder to grasp but infinitely full of grace, love and worthiness.

Where did all these expectations come from that I foist onto myself?  Where did I get the notion that I should be more than what am I and to be less than that is to be a failure?

This is not where I thought I would be at this age.  But looking back I am not really sure where I thought I would be.

Perhaps that's the problem.

I have spent so much of life just living it.  I have had goals but I must admit I have not often reached them; at least not the goals that seem to matter.

I have found new contentment in the last week.  But even within that contentment I want something to change.  I want to be a "go-getter".  I want to find my dream job and attain it.  I want to get married and have a partner in my service to God.  I want to be out of debt and living within my budget.  

The question is "Where do I go from here?"

For the moment the answer is "I do not know."