The Eternal Existential Question

I love Facebook.  I know, that's not a question, I'll get to that.  Facebook has put me into contact with so many of my family members living in other states.  Friends too.  Though the friends I communicate the most with are actually local.  Kinda weird I think.

Why do I bring up Facebook?  A recent post I made was that I was "struggling to reconcile who she is with who she thinks she should be and with who she thinks others think she should be and who God says she is."

That sounds really confusing.  I wasn't sure if anyone would understand after I posted it but I didn't really post it for them.  I needed to get the entire thought out of my head and see it to understand it myself. I'm one of those people (not the ones that use 2 spaces after a period, well I do that too but I'm of the thinking that writing something down or talking about it aids in understanding "it").

The responses I got where meant to be encouraging and they were to an extent. Someone joked.  A couple mentioned Disney's Mulan and "being true to your heart".  Others advised that since I can't control other's thoughts I should be too concerned.  I can explain myself if I wish but God is the only one I live for. One reminded me that I had encouraged her and would do the same for me.

Sounds great, right? Obviously there are people who love and care about me and my well being.  I did know that.  I'm very thankful for being so blessed with friends and family and more surrogate family than I can shake a stick at.

My response was this: "So what prompted all this? I don't like who I am when no one is around. That's the real me. Character is who you are when you're alone. I don't like that Mikki but it's so hard changing her. I like the Mikki you all know and love. I am in awe of the Mikki that God sees.  I think too much. I'm too much philosopher and dreamer and thinker than actual doer."

Self evaluation is difficult.  I am my worst critic and certainly very critical, more critical than I should be.  I'm biased but biased in a manner against me.  Seems wrong, I know.  It is.

But here's the truth.  I don't like the Mikki I am when no one's around.  I think the Mikki everyone else sees is the same Mikki I show everyone but she's different than the Mikki I know. (So I don't have different personae for different friend groups or family...I am the same whomever I'm with.)

The Mikki I know is a terrible person; she's full of hate, deceit, lust, greed and pride.  She thinks she's not very smart and can't understand why no one else sees that.  She thinks she should be awarded a lifetime achievement award by the Academy for her acting skills, having been one person to the world all her life and one person to herself.

It's not that I care what others think about me.  It's that now that I have this facade everyone knows, I don't know how to change it. I want to be that person people think I am. Not to please them but because that Mikki is so much better than the Mikki I know.

Now if I haven't confused you enough, what's God think of Mikki?  God loves Mikki.  Who knows why, but He does.  He sent His son, Jesus, to take her place on the cross.  Jesus willingly gave His life for her so she could be reconciled with God.

Why am I fighting God on who I am?  Why can't I just rest in Him and know that one day with discipline and His power of transformation I will be that Mikki everyone sees?  Why don't I trust that I will someday see and embrace the Mikki God sees and knows and loves?

Most of all...why can't I stop thinking about me?  The universe, all creation, my life and everyone else's lives exist to worship God. Why can't I just shut my brain off, shut up and do that?

So...I'm blogging from my friend's iPad. It's pretty cool. I tend to play with it the last few weeks I've been over helping her do home projects. I've determined I'm most definitely my father's daughter. And my grandfather's granddaughter. Grandpa Harry was a carpenter and I rememeber being in his garage as a kid and sweeping up the sawdust.

My dad learned a lot from his dad and my Mom's dad (Harry). Now my pop is a general contractor and loves working on remodel projects and home improvements. I even helped him build a bay window seat with storage and and doors. It was very cool.

But I digress.

Over the last year I've really enjoyed helping my friend hang up picture frames and a widow shade and widow treatments. We've hung a mirror and installed baby locks. I helped do some painting in the basement. We layed carpet with a third friend of ours. We've worked on cleaning her garage (organization is a specialty of mine and Medina's-we made it a project to help her get started.)

So the point of this blog?

There isn't one. Sorry. I just wanted to play on her iPad more.

Peace, love and blessings!

It's true!

The "old" cliche (aren't all cliches old? who's heard a new cliche?) "You're as young as you feel"?  TOTALLY TRUE!

As a adult, I must admit that I do not think I have every really acted my age unless I had to.  It is not that I am averse to responsibility or something.  Well I am on somethings, like not having sex before marriage, not buying a house while still single, or not running for public office.  (And who exactly would elect me?  I wouldn't want to be  over them...)

I definitely think, right or wrong, that I grew up too fast.  I do not blame my parents but I think being from a divorced home attributed to it. But I am also a first born, a bit of a perfectionist, and as a kid I was nearly always "something-going-on-30". It's not my parent's fault I had an old soul.  Now that I'm older, I long for the innocence and carefree time I took for granted and think I often missed out on.

Long intro I know but the point is this: I started volunteering with the student ministry at my church.

I know what you're thinking.  You are shaking in your boots right now.  Sweat is dripping down your forward as you imagine having to interact with a group of people between 7th-12th grade. Let's face it--what's more intimidating than a bunch of pre-teens and teenagers...even Christian ones?

I was scared.  So I put off emailing the student pastor for months.  Months and months I tell you!  Then God decided I was dragging my feet too long and my small group that met on Sunday night essentially disbanded.  (Amicably disbanded as we all felt God was taking us elsewhere.)

So with that I was inclined to say "Huh.  I guess you really do want me to do this God.  Okay."  Life goes so much easier when I stop arguing or fighting with God on what He wants me to do.

I am shadowing one of the other small group leaders.  She's got 7th grade girls.  So far they're pretty fabulous.  I've been amazed how much they've talked with me around.  I was nervous a week we went to the McD's down the street from church and just hung out.  I talked entirely too much to try to cover my nervousness.

Tonight after the worship time and message we headed over to the indoor gym to play games.  We played three ball baseball.  Very fun and Brian (the pastor) insisted his helpers play too.  Let me tell you, I throw like a girl.  I know, I am a girl, but I have some really athletic girlfriends who love sports.  I also run like a girl, and I'm still a little overweight.

And neither of those things mattered tonight.  I had fun and laughed and clapped and encouraged both teams and then watched some play ultimate frisbee after the group game was done.  I bonded with some gals outside the small group I've been with and I tried to connect with some of the guys.  (I've had my cootie shots.)

I feel so young.  I know I could be some of these kids mom if I'd gotten pregnant in high school.  I'm a couple years older than our student pastor for the love of Henrietta Muir. I'm sure to make references and use catchphrases that go over their heads making them roll their eyes.

But I'm also an avid follower of Nickelodeon, Disney, Disney XD, Cartoon Network and lots of other stuff I should be "grown-out-of" by now.  So I think I have some street cred and hopefully can be at least, sort of cool.

Some gals tonight loved my Star Wars shirt with Vader and the words "Warning: Choking Hazard."  I think I'm on my way...

Where do I go from here?

Feeling like I am not living up to my full potential.  Like somehow I an letting people down.  Should I not be more cutting edge?  Should I not be more indispensable?  Should I not be more "important"?

Part of the answers lie in the question of the lens I view myself through.  The world's? God's?  It makes a difference.  The world's eyes are easier but often more disappointing to gaze with.  God's view is harder to grasp but infinitely full of grace, love and worthiness.

Where did all these expectations come from that I foist onto myself?  Where did I get the notion that I should be more than what am I and to be less than that is to be a failure?

This is not where I thought I would be at this age.  But looking back I am not really sure where I thought I would be.

Perhaps that's the problem.

I have spent so much of life just living it.  I have had goals but I must admit I have not often reached them; at least not the goals that seem to matter.

I have found new contentment in the last week.  But even within that contentment I want something to change.  I want to be a "go-getter".  I want to find my dream job and attain it.  I want to get married and have a partner in my service to God.  I want to be out of debt and living within my budget.  

The question is "Where do I go from here?"

For the moment the answer is "I do not know."

Happy Lights

I don't mind the explaining over and over again what that funky light on my desk is: it's my happy light!

I think the light therapy has been helping in big ways.  It's doesn't make me perfectly sane (that would take a miracle which is clearly God's department) but it is making a big difference in my well-being.

The dawn simulator alarm clock is helping as well.  The snooze is a little to easy to use; I simply rap a knuckle on the base of the round clock and the sounds abate for 10 minutes.  The light still stays on though.  The bird sounds have proved to be too much like the water fountain for my cat's water dish.  So I use the farm noises and the yoga sounds.  Both are great.

Although it's a little weird to hear a cow mooing in the morning.  Even when I lived out in the country in Iowa I wasn't near enough to farms to hear that.

So as long as I keep on myself about my vitamins and meds and eating regularly, (which can be surprisingly hard when you're single and overworked), my physical side seems to be good.

Still working on getting healthier.  It's a never-ending cycle and will always be a struggle to the day I die, which is exactly how my spiritual life goes as well.  It's all the little choices I make throughout the day that make or break me.

So I'm learning to love myself more.  Learning to find balance.  Striving to beat my body into submission and not be controlled by the whims and desires of my cravings.

All I can do is "just keep swimming".

Get Your Shine On!

No, not the Jesse McCartney song.  Though it is a nice dance number.  :)

Since seasonal affective disorder has been plaguing me much of my life I've finally decided to stop talking about getting a light box and get one.

Done my research and found a model I like that is in the middle ground on afford-ability and is portable.  I will be able to have it on my desk at work.

The light box I'm ordering later this month is: Verilux HappyLite Deluxe Sunshine Simulator.  Long name but I like the look, the specs and it's well reviewed online.

Then I also stumbled upon alarm clocks that are dawn stimulator.  So I'm going to invest in one of those as well.  I think I want to try the new Phillips model that came out Nov 9.  It's Philips Hf3485 Wake-up Light Plus.

So going to give those products a go.  Plus have started taking some vitamin supplements and changing how I eat.  There's a lot of evidence to support the idea that vitamins help and proper nutrition is super mood changing. Here's a couple links: Vitamins, Diet and Depression, Depression Diet guide from WebMD.

Though the vitamin supplements are still a little controversial I think they are helping me.  Placebo effect if nothing else. :)

Google Chrome

Well, I hate to admit it but I really do like Google Chrome.  I think Google's motto of "Don't Be Evil" masks the fact that the company wants to control the world...and for me it's reminiscent of Microsoft from decades ago. (I'm cool enough for a Mac but I'm a girl on a budget for now.) Of course I think Apple wants to tightly control the world.  Come to think of it, I'm wary of most big conglomerations.  I think they're all bent on ruling the world.

But my email works better on the net book with Chrome.  (IE has issues and I haven't yet downloaded Firefox, which I love on my laptop)  The easy way it keeps my history is cool.  And I have a neat theme...always a bonus.  Hey-I make no apologies; I'm shallow geek. I like stuff that looks good.  The tabs are easy to create, the basic layout is very user friendly and I like the shortcuts I've found.

Hmp. I still think Google is evil though.

:)