I love my CrackBerry...I mean BlackBerry

I think I am addicted to my Blackberry.  

I love having Facebook at my finger tips; checking the latest news at the NY Times is easy with their app.  Local news apps abound.

I'm not much into games.  Literally I have one game-solitare.  

But I can check my email almost anytime, anyplace.  (Except at work.  I get really poor reception in the lab.  Which is probably a good thing.)

Now I have developed the "phantom vibrating" sensation.  I think the phone is vibrating when, in point of fact, it is not doing anything.

The only thing worse that the "phantom vibrating" is checking your pocket and realizing you don't even have your phone on your person. :)

Computer still down

My computer is still toast.  There has been a lot of craziness in life the last couple of months.  Not a lot of time to think, let alone blog.  Hope my brother can fix my computer....

Pain

There is a great song by Greg Long called 'In the Waiting'.  It's a song that has been really helpful for me in the past when I was going through hard stuff.  Check out this link to hear it.

Here are the lyrics.

Pain
The gift nobody longs for, still it comes
And somehow leaves us stronger
When it's gone away

Pray
I try and pray for Your will to be done
But I confess it's never fast enough for me
It seems
the hardest part is waiting on You
When what I really want
Is just to see Your hand move

I want a peace beyond my understanding
I want to feel it fall like rain
In the middle of my hurting
I want to feel Your arms as they surround me
And let me know that it's okay
To be here in this place
Resting in the peace that only comes
In the waiting

Time
Time to let it go and just believe
Trusting in what no one else but You can see

Free
Freedom from the fears that close me in
When I can't get beyond where I have been, but then
Again

The silence doesn't mean that I'm alone
As long as I can hear
That I am still Your own

It's a beautiful song and it encourages me so much.  I remember that I'm not alone.  Even in the silence God is with me and I am His.

Do People See Jesus In Me?

Today was a really cool day.  A friend and I trekked to the main branch of our city's library, just to hang out and read.  It is a really neat building; there is a very large new building built right next to, and attached, the original library.  The juxtaposition of the now main, and modern portion of the library nestled behind the classic architecture, which now houses the fiction sections, is very beautiful and poetic.

And people talked to me today.  Complete strangers.  All I had to do was make eye contact and smile. It was amazing how that little double action brings such big results.

Someone asked me to watch his stuff at the adjacent computer station while he was up.  Another gentleman, walking through the library with a couple women complimented me on my hair.  One of the library employees stopped to chat for a moment; warning me of the impending snow, sharing the fact that she was from Panama originally and they didn't get weather like this.  75 degrees all year round.  I told her I was from further north so I'm used to worse than this.  Then she said I looked like the prettiest girl.  I was so touched.

But I don't think the compliments were really meant for me.  Why did I look these people in the eye and smile?  Because I want to love them like Jesus does.  I want to see what He sees when he looks at people.  And I think these people saw me catch their eye and saw me smile and saw Jesus in me.  I don't know how to explain it.  They saw the inner joy I have that I can't keep to myself.

It's the kind of joy that makes me smile.  The kind of joy that slows down to let someone enter the highway from an entrance ramp.  The kind of joy that wants to overlook the outside cover of a person and dig into the pages of their book.

I said it already but it's amazing when you look a total stranger in the eye and genuinely smile.  Not a polite, required by etiquette or social norms and customs sort of smile.  A genuine smile that recognizes the divine in that stranger, that sees the reflection of our Creator in a person worthy of love and attention and my time.

My time is not my own anyway--it's God's.  How better do I use it than in His service to simply love His people?

Lord of the Dance (Not the Irish guy though...)

Revisiting my old WOW CDs...this is a classic Steven Curtis Chapman song for me and I was singing it at work today. Truly engergizing!

Dents in My Fender

Sorry to butcher the English language, Mom, but today kinda sucked.  Several things went well this morning.  But then a bunch of stuff just blew up in my face, metaphorically speaking.  (At my job, there are things that could blow up.)

So yesterday there were several crying fits for no reason.  "Be careful what you wish for."  Today I had a reason for the breakdown into tears.  Not that it was really work that was getting to me.  Yes, the frustration of work was not helping and I did get a little violent with a disposable glove box that was packed so tight I couldn't get gloves out and when I pulled really hard they flung up and out and spread over the floor, and chair and desk in a seven foot radius....

Really though it was because I got off to a bad start. I missed the whole of my devotions this morning.  I got rattled when there was a truck on the highway for about 6 miles with no lights on.  I prayed he'd get them on and as I exited I finally saw them appear.  How do you let someone behind you know they've got no lights?  I came into work and really started on the wrong foot on my instrument maintence to get done for the day. 

So little misstep build on little misstep to the point that the only keeping me at work was my tunes.

I had a plan to survive the evening, make sure I made it to my Bible study and stayed on track.  I called a girlfriend to have dinner with me.  The only thing I didn't do well with is where we went, but I was hurting and wanted comfort food. 

Then I made myself get to BSF.  I raised my hand a bunch and volunteered on challenge questions.  Talking was the last thing I wanted to do but I made myself get into the discussion and laugh and joke and share.  (I love my discussion group.  I loved last year's group.  I think I'll love every group.)

Then I sat with one of my group members and my leader, in the middle of them so I couldn't bolt before the lecture was done.  I did my best to take good notes and pay attention.

Lastly I called my mom and talked to her while I was sitting in the church parking lot.  Updated her on my progress and news, heard about her political adventures from the weekend, talked psychology (I definitely get my tendency to self-analyze from her), talked about my brother and my roommate.  Finally she kicked me off the phone when she realized I wasn't home and needed to got to bed soon.  (Some of us get up pretty darn early in the morning.)

I feel a bit like this amazing song by Francesca Battistelli called "Free to be me"

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But you've already won the battle
And you've got great plans for me
Though i can`t always see

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you`re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek
And it`s easy to believe
Even though

`cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

Copyright by Francesca Battistelli 

 God is good even when I don't feel good.  Today was good even when I didn't see it.

My PSA

I've had such an amazing few days off.  I've seen friends that I haven't seen for months, and some I just saw last week.  I got things done: emotionally, mentally, chores wise.

I needed a swift kick in the butt this week.  Thankfully I had some friends and family to provide it.  I've even got a girlfriend who's been calling me daily to check up with me.  I'm really blessed to have so many people to turn to for help.

That said, I have to wonder how many people out there suffer with serotonin deficiency, depression, S.A.D.D or dysthymia and don't get help.  Whether they feel they don't need help or don't want help or maybe they think they have no one to go to.

That's never true.  There's ALWAYS help to found.  There's always someone who cares, someone who'll listen.  Yes, there is God.  I would recommend talking to Him.  But you know what; God's made sure there are people here to help too.

So I encourage anyone who might stumble across this post; if you have more than just the passing blues, if the winter months are especially difficult for you to get through mood wise and you lack motivation when the weather is so gloomy the first of year--consider talking to your doctor or a counselor or at the very least a friend or loved one.

When I finally got the right perspective going last week I saw it wasn't the end of the world.  After I asked for help, I realized I could make it, with God's help and the support of my family and friends.  So I'm ready to start the week.