It's true!

The "old" cliche (aren't all cliches old? who's heard a new cliche?) "You're as young as you feel"?  TOTALLY TRUE!

As a adult, I must admit that I do not think I have every really acted my age unless I had to.  It is not that I am averse to responsibility or something.  Well I am on somethings, like not having sex before marriage, not buying a house while still single, or not running for public office.  (And who exactly would elect me?  I wouldn't want to be  over them...)

I definitely think, right or wrong, that I grew up too fast.  I do not blame my parents but I think being from a divorced home attributed to it. But I am also a first born, a bit of a perfectionist, and as a kid I was nearly always "something-going-on-30". It's not my parent's fault I had an old soul.  Now that I'm older, I long for the innocence and carefree time I took for granted and think I often missed out on.

Long intro I know but the point is this: I started volunteering with the student ministry at my church.

I know what you're thinking.  You are shaking in your boots right now.  Sweat is dripping down your forward as you imagine having to interact with a group of people between 7th-12th grade. Let's face it--what's more intimidating than a bunch of pre-teens and teenagers...even Christian ones?

I was scared.  So I put off emailing the student pastor for months.  Months and months I tell you!  Then God decided I was dragging my feet too long and my small group that met on Sunday night essentially disbanded.  (Amicably disbanded as we all felt God was taking us elsewhere.)

So with that I was inclined to say "Huh.  I guess you really do want me to do this God.  Okay."  Life goes so much easier when I stop arguing or fighting with God on what He wants me to do.

I am shadowing one of the other small group leaders.  She's got 7th grade girls.  So far they're pretty fabulous.  I've been amazed how much they've talked with me around.  I was nervous a week we went to the McD's down the street from church and just hung out.  I talked entirely too much to try to cover my nervousness.

Tonight after the worship time and message we headed over to the indoor gym to play games.  We played three ball baseball.  Very fun and Brian (the pastor) insisted his helpers play too.  Let me tell you, I throw like a girl.  I know, I am a girl, but I have some really athletic girlfriends who love sports.  I also run like a girl, and I'm still a little overweight.

And neither of those things mattered tonight.  I had fun and laughed and clapped and encouraged both teams and then watched some play ultimate frisbee after the group game was done.  I bonded with some gals outside the small group I've been with and I tried to connect with some of the guys.  (I've had my cootie shots.)

I feel so young.  I know I could be some of these kids mom if I'd gotten pregnant in high school.  I'm a couple years older than our student pastor for the love of Henrietta Muir. I'm sure to make references and use catchphrases that go over their heads making them roll their eyes.

But I'm also an avid follower of Nickelodeon, Disney, Disney XD, Cartoon Network and lots of other stuff I should be "grown-out-of" by now.  So I think I have some street cred and hopefully can be at least, sort of cool.

Some gals tonight loved my Star Wars shirt with Vader and the words "Warning: Choking Hazard."  I think I'm on my way...

Where do I go from here?

Feeling like I am not living up to my full potential.  Like somehow I an letting people down.  Should I not be more cutting edge?  Should I not be more indispensable?  Should I not be more "important"?

Part of the answers lie in the question of the lens I view myself through.  The world's? God's?  It makes a difference.  The world's eyes are easier but often more disappointing to gaze with.  God's view is harder to grasp but infinitely full of grace, love and worthiness.

Where did all these expectations come from that I foist onto myself?  Where did I get the notion that I should be more than what am I and to be less than that is to be a failure?

This is not where I thought I would be at this age.  But looking back I am not really sure where I thought I would be.

Perhaps that's the problem.

I have spent so much of life just living it.  I have had goals but I must admit I have not often reached them; at least not the goals that seem to matter.

I have found new contentment in the last week.  But even within that contentment I want something to change.  I want to be a "go-getter".  I want to find my dream job and attain it.  I want to get married and have a partner in my service to God.  I want to be out of debt and living within my budget.  

The question is "Where do I go from here?"

For the moment the answer is "I do not know."